my year.

‎a thug changes, love changes, best friends become strangers. an ill nas quote that was true a decade ago, that is true in 2014 and probably will be forever. 

life happened in 2014.

‎my first real crush got married. my first real love had a baby. that'll definitely change a thug. 

i think it's important to note that the word 'thug' is not a derogatory adjectives/noun in all circles. it's not a word i use normally but i wanted to stay on the train of thought of the nas quote.

anyway. that definitely changed ME. 

i suppose you never know how you're gonna feel until it happens. again: life. 

you live, shit happens. you adapt (or you don't). you grow (or you don't).

what i know for sure now, if nothing else, is i know nothing. i spend less time analyzing shit compared to a younger version of myself because it's a waste of time at a certain point (i just eventually come to the realization that still nothing makes complete sense). i spend less time relating everything back to me and more time appreciating other people's joy/happiness/sadness/pain for what it is. shit, actually very rarely, is or has to be about me i've learned.

i think, i'm more comfortable with the unexpectedness that is life. typically you want to have a second to brace before something hits you. really though, some of my best learning experiences have happened when i wasn't or didn't feel like i was ready. i learned that something that may feel horrible is in itself a beautiful moment for (eventual) clarity and perspective once you (are able to) take a step back, breathe, and refocus.

i'm just happy to have made it to a point where i know folks getting married and having kids. i'm happy to be in a place where i have known love, lost love, met heartbreak, lost faith, found faith, picked up the piece and rediscovered the willingness to love then love itself. 

as soon as we hit these minor milestones like driving or graduating from high school we want to exclaim some "i'm on some grown shit" type bullshit. and we have every right! but 5, 10, so one and so forth years later we realize we didn't know shit. and we still don't.

it gets real when you're paying bills and car notes, thinking of baby names, and planning weddings, thinking of starting a career or switching careers or uprooting to a new city. like i said, though, i'm happy to be entering into this new chapter. i'm happy that people are making life choices that seem to be making them happy. i'm thankful for the success and happiness of those i love even at the cost of my own closeness with those very people. my guess is that this middle ground, between the youth of early adulthood and whenever that grandpa wisdom shit kicks in, is where you build shit. you build your own customs. your own routine. your own way of being. your own family. your own traditions. your own love. your own whatever. just so you can say you did that shit!

surely, there will be triumphs. surely, there will be mistakes. you will have help along the way and won't be able to take full credit for anything but, again, i am thankful to be in a position to be great, to learn, to fail, to be able to pick myself back up and grow. i'm pretty sure it takes some losses to get to the ol' g, grandpa sitting on the stoop smoking a pipe and reading a newspaper slash grandma knitting a scarf listening to ahmad jamal while doing a crossword puzzle type wisdom‎.

i love myself more than i ever have at thirty. i validate myself. i complement and celebrate myself. to be able to complement and celebrate other folks, you first have to be able to shout out your mothafuckin self! mainstream media can't even convince me that i'm not beautiful and intelligent. they can't convince me that i don't deserve or have the right to be who the fuck i want to be. they can't even convince me that i should feel bad for coming off arrogant, or whatever. fuck them. because of that i think i can confront and make peace with otherwise uncomfortable feelings and situations.

like: life.

this year. i feel like i've grown apart from ALL of my friends. but it's because everyone is on some grown up shit. i'm quite the opposite of depressed about it all.‎ also this year, a woman my more youthful self dreamed of promising to had a child. a beautiful boy. and i was taken aback initially. but reminded that life doesn't revolve around me. life just revolves. evolves. it's pretty fresh to know that someone you admire is now raising another human being and takes pride in it. literally: life. it's pretty fresh to witness childhood friends plan wedding proposals, propose, then plan actual weddings. it's helped me to think about how i will be as a parent, how I want to be as friend, as a husband. inspired thoughtfulness from the beauty that is present and always changing all around. life!

i made some really powerful, new connections this year.

i disconnected from some folks this year.

i saw some spectacular things, felt spectacular emotions this year. i saw some really saddening things and felt really shitty, not for lack of a better adjective.

i fell in love this year.‎ 

with myself some more.

with my camera again.

with my work on another level.

with struggle, knowing it only will make me better.

with a beautiful woman.

with not knowing what the future will bring.

this world tries to be ahead of itself, to get you to think that what you're doing isn't enough. we're distracted and dumbed down by technology that should be making us smarter, more aware beings. which is perplexing. we have other people opinions showered on us all day from every angle it's hard to make decisions without doubt of self seeping.

sometimes instead of turning up, you gotta literally turn shit off.

i've been jogging again of late. when you run, even though you're moving, there's a sense of stillness parallel to meditation because you're clearing any negativity, you're taking time to do something good for yourself. 

the one resolution i will officially make for 2015 is to make sure to give myself even more breaks and rest and room to think, breathe, love and live for myself. redundantly. so that, like right now, i can be thankful for the motivation of the present. because in this prescice moment i feel so cozy in my own skin, my own consciousness.